I remembered it was dinner time in our little island, and we were watching the news, and there was a ticker tape news alert that scrolled across the screen - screaming "a tower of the World Trade Center has been hit, by a plane!"
I thought - yeah, right ... was this a joke?
No, it wasn't - 'cos a few minutes later - we saw actual footage of a second plane plunging into the other tower, erupting into a fireball, slicing the pristine glass wall of the tower into two ...
My mouth gaped, I couldn't tear my eyes off the screen
Somebody wake me up - this isn't for real!!!!!!
I remember feeling aghast, numb, helpless, shocked beyond belief
Afraid for those who were in the area, in the buildings, dead, or dying. My memories of NYC, so vivid and one of the best cities I've had the fortune to visit, and now the twin towers, on whose viewing platform I had stood and watched the minuteness of Manhattan's boroughs, had gone ... crumpled in a heap of dust and destruction, burying the humanity - that had worked there, had visited as tourists - snuffed out as an American symbol of innovation, progress, and ideally, democracy.
I remember, trying to come to terms with my grief, trying to make sense of the chaos in my mind, my heart, and consoling friends who experienced the same turmoil.
Why was this allowed to happen? Who allowed this to happen? America, for all its faults, held an ideal - if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere (or was it New York?) - and the shattered dreams of millions around the world went to bed with the dust heap of the twin towers.
America reacted bravely, foolishly, blindly, unilaterally, and in their helplessness, isolated friends, broke off friendships, gambled with lions, slept with cheetahs, ran with hyenas, chased its own tail, and flailed - fleeing like a being gone berserk, hitting out at anything and everything, abandoning the voice of reason, of conscience - America!!!!! Where have you been? Where are you going????
I longed for the America of pre-9/11, no one knows where it's gone, or if it'll ever come back.
I longed for the Bohemia I experienced when I was traipsing around the Village, for instance, feeling like I belonged, at once an alien and a native, in the heart of NYC, a city with so much promise, potential, optimism, beauty, hope, spontaneity, camaraderie, a jazzed-up free-form quality I've grown to love, and imbibe, and partake, and proselyte.
I remember, going about in the days hence - stumbling about in a stupor, questioning, getting no real answers, clawing at the wrong doors, asking the wrong questions of the right people, getting the right answers from the wrong sources. Disbelief grown strong, disillusionment stronger.
But the human spirit is indomitable, unbreakable, resilient - we are cut down, and we come back up. Stand up - steadfast, unshakable, unmovable, unmoving, resolute. Stare down the oppressors of hope, and plant your flags deep - mark that spot for all to see. Let's renew our faith in humanity's ability to right the wrongs.
I remember I wanted to express my grief, of hopes dashed, stolen, appropriated - how dare you!!!!!! I wanted to write a song, but cynically, it was a cliche, and you know as well as I that the worst thing one could do to the memory of something beautiful was to render it a cliche - never!!! I swore! never write a cliche!
Ten years on, the song hasn't found it's way out, although it has taken root, and will feed and mature with time, and I shall resist temptation until it's time. I can only express my frustration with words, and even so, not even come close to articulating anguish, my anguish, as fresh as it was today as ten years ago. Maybe numbed with age.
I remember watching footage of the crater, a pockmark on the face Manhattan, and wondering how people would cope. But cope they did, and they moved on. Lives could never be the same, it's the new normal, as someone wryly said.
I will remember you - and I shall smile, in hope - hope that we must rebuild, and strengthen, our belief in humanity again.
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